He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize