hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
