I saw his package. It spoke to me.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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