bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i was born a porn star she said
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
