I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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