I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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