She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
