don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
