i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
