I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize