Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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