If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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