I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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