We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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