The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
as a side note pls kill me
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
