shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
