she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
