i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
