I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
