Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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