just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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