She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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