Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
