Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Someone shit on the floor
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
