I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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