pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
