Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
