It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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