I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
