you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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