You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
