Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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