I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
