Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
