he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
