Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
