I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
