I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
