I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
