I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I think I just shit out all my problems.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize