I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
