Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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