i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
