i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
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