if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
