cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
