It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
