It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
