I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
