Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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