I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
