A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
