I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Randomize
