my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
