Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Randomize
