i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
