He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
