I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Randomize
