i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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