Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
