I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
