White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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