I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
