This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
