Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
do herpes really smell.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
