Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
