and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I need to align my fucking chakras
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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