when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
