I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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