last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
